Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

Chapter One: The Addiction Cycle

According to Carnes, the sexual addiction cycle is a four-step cycle that the addict finds himself or herself trapped in. In this Chapter, Carnes uses the example of Del who was a husband, father and renowned lawyer but had a secret life where he was addicted to sex.

1. The addict’s behavior and choices result from a flawed belief system; addicts do not perceive themselves as being valuable.
2. The first stage of the addiction cycle is the preoccupation stage where sexual thoughts and fantasies fill the addict’s mind to the point where he decides to act on them.
3. The second stage is ritualization where the addict looks for an avenue to act out his sexual fantasies. This includes looking for pornographic material in porn shops or cruising for prostitutes.
4. In the third stage, compulsive sexual behavior, the addict engages in the actual sexual act.
5. The fourth stage is despair, where the addict feels ashamed due to his powerlessness over his addiction.

Chapter Two: The Levels of Addiction

This chapter discusses the stages of progression of sexual addiction. Carnes states that if left untreated, sexual addiction increases in severity and becomes harmful to both the addict and his partner(s) or victim(s).

1. There are three levels of sexual addiction. In level one, the individual’s sexual behavior is deemed acceptable or tolerable. The sexual acts in this level include going to strip clubs, watching or reading pornographic material and masturbating.
2. At level two, the individual’s sexual thoughts and urges are more intense and by acting on them, he may violate other people’s rights. This includes exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls and touching people intimately without their consent.
3. Level 3 sexual behavior is illegal and includes rape, sexual relationship with minors and incest. The victim may be gravely harmed physically or psychologically by the addict’s sexual behavior.
4. Individuals of any gender, socioeconomic status and race together with personality type can become sex addicts.
5. In many cases, sex addicts also exhibit other compulsive behaviors such as overeating, alcoholism or workaholism.

Chapter 3: Cybersex and Addictive Behavior

This chapter discusses the role that cybersex plays in the perpetuation of sexual addiction. The author describes the internet as the ‘crack cocaine’ of sexual addiction because it accelerates the degree of addiction.

1. Cybersex addiction is perceived by addicts to be safer because it provides them with sexual stimulation without the risks that would be involved in the real world.
2. Cybersex addicts are usually in denial on the severity of their addiction because they believe that their actions they only engage in sex online and they can stop whenever they want.
3. Through cybersex, addicts are exposed to various other perverted sexual activities that they had not known or been interested in before and hence the level of addiction grows.
4. In some cases, cybersex addicts translate their sexual addiction into the real world, for instance by soliciting for sex from strangers and prostitutes.
5. The easy accessibility of cybersex may cause recovering sex addicts to relapse.

Chapter 4: The Family and the Addict’s World

This chapter discusses the role that the family plays in the sex addict’s life and the impact it has on his behavior. The author also discusses the effect of sexual addiction to the addict’s family.

1. In some families, sexual addiction is a hereditary condition spanning generations.
2. A sexual addict’s relationship with his family may deteriorate because sex addicts place their addiction above everything else as the addiction progresses.
3. Sexual addicts feel lonely and alienated since they are controlled by their sexual addiction. They are repulsed by the fact that they cannot overcome the addiction.
4. Most sexual addicts report that they had a troubled childhood where they may have been exposed to perversity or they did not receive adequate love and attention.
5. Sexual addicts usually have a poor self-image but may be able to cover it up from their family and friends.

Chapter 5: Co-addiction

The author defines co-addiction is the situation where the people close to the sex addict support the behavior whether directly or indirectly. Co-addicts play a significant role in the addict’s life and their co-dependence on the addict usually hinders recovery.

1. The co-addicts usually feel that they have to take up the responsibility of ensuring that the addict does not put himself in perilous situations or does not sink further into the addiction.
2. The addict’s partner may feel the need to meet the addict’s requests in order to fulfill their sexual desires and prevent them from seeking satisfaction from outside parties.
3. Co-addicts may also support the addict’s sexual addiction by making excuses for them to the public in order to shield them from humiliation.
4. The partner of a sex addict may also develop a sexual dysfunction or addiction due to frequent exposure and participation in the addict’s sexual acts.
5. The co-addict may impede the success of the sex addict’s recovery process because they protect the addict from any negative consequences of the addiction.

Chapter 6: The Belief System

This chapter illustrates the manner in which a sex addict’s negative and flawed core beliefs about himself and his environment affects his sexual behavior.

1. Most addicts usually have a negative self-image because of the perverse nature of their thoughts and actions.
2. Addicts view other people as untrustworthy and uncaring. They believe that if people knew about their sexual addiction they would regard them differently.
3. Addicts believe that sexual gratification is their most important need.
4. Sex addicts are usually in denial about the nature of their problem. They are often defensive of their behavior and blame any negative outcome on other factors.
5. As the addiction progresses the addict becomes delusional, makes excuses for his behavior and may begin to believe in his own lies. This is referred to as sincere delusion.

Chapter 7: Twelve Steps to Recovery

This chapter illustrates that the steps to recovery are the complete opposite of the addiction process. While sexual addiction involves alienation and isolation from the community, the recovery process requires the addict to reintegrate with the community.

1. Sexual addiction thrives in isolation and loneliness since the addict relies on the addiction for emotional fulfillment.
2. Most addicts live a double life and therefore are afraid to seek treatment for their sexual addiction due to fear of ridicule and misjudgment.
3. The twelve steps to recovery help the sex addict to overcome their double lives.
4. The first and most important step in the twelve steps to recovery is where the addict admits and confesses that he has a problem and is addicted to sex. This helps to overcome denial.
5. In the twelve steps to recovery method, the addict relies on a higher power to find a solution to his problem and eventual recovery.

Chapter 8: The Future is Conditional

The reforming sex addict must make a conscious effort to overcome his addiction and avoid relapsing. A recovered sex addict may quickly relapse if he does not detach himself from the addictive stimulus.

1. Relapse is most common in the initial stages of the recovery process where the addict may be unable to control his sexual thoughts or to avoid masturbation.
2. In order to avoid relapse, the recovering sex addict needs to maintain honesty and open communication between himself, his spouse and his sponsor.
3. The recovering addict must also learn to identify the factors that trigger sexual thoughts or impulses. He should then learn to avoid these factors or increase his control over them.
4. Relapse may also occur if the recovering addict does not replace the addiction with something else that helps him suppress the sexual urges.
5. The recovering addict must also learn to appreciate and take care of himself in order to develop a healthy self-esteem and avoid relapsing.

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